"I have spent my life, seeking all that's still unsung. Bent my ear to hear the tune, and closed my eyes to see. When there were no strings to play, you played to me."
- Attics of My Life (Garcia/Hunter)
This morning, August 9, 1995, Jerry Garcia died – and my world changed forever. The writing project I’d been working on just came to a halt – the words stopped flowing – and I sat at work in stunned silence. The shock and depth of grief I experienced surprised me. I think it surprised some of my friends in my meditation group, too. One called and left a message on my answering machine asking if I was all right, saying something to the effect that he had felt a “disturbance in the Force”. A lot of dear friends from around the country also called, expressing their condolences, sharing their tears, grief and memories of moments of ecstasy inspired by one of humanity's greatest musical masters.
We are just a drop of water in a wave of global mourning that I think has taken even we mourners by surprise – not to mention the media. It wasn’t like I thought death was the end – for soul is eternal. And it wasn’t like I didn't know it was coming. Those who paid attention have been concerned about Garcia's health for years. Nearly a decade earlier, when a diabetic coma nearly killed him, tens of thousands of fans poured their love and energy into him, each giving a little bit of themselves so that Garcia – and the Shabda-fueled Grateful Dead that provided the escape velocity thrust for his lightning bolt guitar leads – could have a new life.
Unfortunately, this new life also resulted in an exponential increase in fans, many of whom came to just hang out and party, and drain the energy, instead of feed it. And what was sadder still, many long time fans who had come expressly to be participants in what Joseph Campbell might have called interactive, communal, musical shamanism, began staying away because of the increasing negative vibes, which only added to them. As a result, the scene – which for 20 years had been a warm, loving and joyful extended family – started becoming dark.
Through it all, Jerry maintained relatively good humor and remarkable humility. From all reports of those who knew him, one of the reasons for his drug habit was that he needed a layer of psychic insulation between himself and his fans – a way of achieving inner privacy, you might say.
Some pundits have pointed to this and declared that he was "just another dead doper." What these cynics fail to see is that Jerry's addiction – while negative and self-destructive – was a very small of his total being.
To those who do not understand the depth and profundity of Deadhead grief, I would simply say: “Look at his life in its totality”. The man gave of himself untiringly. He practically lived his life on stage, giving his all night after night. And moreover, he did so with hardly a trace of ego or vanity. He was not a strutting guitar hero super stud. In fact, the music he played demanded that he be the opposite.
“They're a band beyond description, like Jehovah's favorite choir. People joining hand-in-hand, while the Music plays the band – Lord, they’re setting us on fire!”
- The Music Never Stopped
Or perhaps I should say the Music played him. For the essence of Garcia’s – and the Grateful Dead's – spontaneous, improvisational approach, is that he – and they – have to get out of the way. He had to be free of mind and ego so as to allow the wave of light and sound to flow through and take him – and the audience – In whichever direction IT chose. Garcia – and the rest of the band – would regularly comment on how the "X factor" would show up in the unlikeliest of places. It had a way of ITs own.
“Once in a while you get shown the Light in the strangest of places - if you look at it right.”
- Scarlet Begonias
In fact, it became a running joke in the band that, whenever they tried to control IT or direct IT – e.g., at important gigs like Woodstock, or in the studio – they could almost always be assured of playing subpar.
So what does all of this have to do with spirituality and Sound Current Meditation? Everything. The key to self-realization and the spiritual life is learning to become an instrument to be played by the hand of God – to be as open a conduit as possible through which the Sound Current can flow.
Perhaps better than any popular musician in this century – and certainly better than most professional gurus and philosophers – Jerry epitomized this way of being. All he wanted to do was play music – and let music play him. He didn’t care if there were 60 people in the audience, or 60,000. In fact, her preferred the former. He wasn't after huge crowds or millions of dollars – and he didn't try to set himself up as the world's greatest rock guru. That all happened almost by accident. The money made and legions of fans acquired were essentially a direct result of his – and the rest of the Grateful Dead’s – musical honesty and integrity. He, and they, were committed to serving the Muse – the X factor – the Seventh Member – the Sound Current – the Soundless Sound – the Shabda.
That’s it right there in a nutshell. The whole trip boils down to love, devotion, and service – to God, Spirit and each other. Jerry once said that he felt like the luckiest guy in the world, because he had such great fans who allowed him to make a living doing what he truly loved. It was the audience, he said, that allowed the Grateful Dead to exist. It was an audience which loved them, supported them and gave them the freedom to experiment – to play open, spontaneous music and risk the occasional failures as a price gladly paid for transcendental success.
I discovered the Grateful Dead at almost the same time I discovered Shabda meditation in 1975. My love for the Dead's outer music, and my exploration of the Inner Music that propelled them, were – and are – indistinguishable. People have been asking me if I think the band can – or will – continue without Garcia singing and playing lead guitar. My answer is that it depends upon whether the Music is finished with them – and whether they are willing to continue serving IT. My hunch is that IT isn't done yet – and that there is till some fresh music to be played, and universes to be explored. But we shall see. Radha Jerry!
“Fare you well, fare you well. I love you more than words can tell. Listen to the River sing sweet songs to rock my soul.”
- Brokedown Palace
Have a Beautiful Day!
Michael Turner
© 1995, 2017
http://spiritualfreedomsatsang.org
“In the Land of the Dark, the Ship of the Sun is drawn by the Grateful Dead”
- Egyptian Book Of The Dead
* Note: I first wrote this on August 9, 1995, shortly after Jerry Garcia died.